Sunday, October 22, 2006

22 October

Nothing much has happened on the cancer next appointment is on Friday, when they'll do all the groundwork...take blood samples and blood pressure etc. Had an ok day yesterday...until night time, still can't sleep, my mind runs away then and I can't help the thoughts...what if it's terminal, what will I do, will I carry on with treatment or not. Should I start planning my funeral, what songs do I want? There's one that I've always liked, called 'Wonderful Life' by Black. Should I start selling my collections of various things I've collected down the years? I don't want my family to be burdened with the cost of a funeral. All these things and more, I hate this. Cancer is not just a disease, it's an alien that takes over your life, colouring all your thoughts.

During the's bareable, I have enough things to keep my mind from going into overdrive, I can cope....I'm beginning to dread night times though. I'm trying to keep this low key for the sake of my family...they are worried enough and certainly don't need to see me juddering apart at the seams.

Anyway...I've got spuds to peel, my oldest son and his wife are coming over for dinner and as the cliche goes on....writing this gives me an outlet for my frustrations and fears so if I sound melodramatic...tough...hehe.


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