Sunday, November 27, 2005

Care, Feeding and Maintenance of a Trog

I thought it might be useful to pass on some general tips on the care, feeding and maintenance of Trogs.

The first thing to remember is that the child you brought into the world will not turn into a trog overnight, it happens gradually.

The second thing to remember is that whatever you read in books about troglodytes is wrong!

The first signs that the trog is emerging is the seeming inability to speak whole sentances, they talk in grunts, all troglodytes do this, there are no exceptions. I suggest you learn this language quickly, it will make your life a little easier.

After this there is no order in which the following happen: The sudden interest in very weird music, the inability to dress in a normal and acceptable way, the making of friends that to you seem totally unsuitable, or (and this, confusingly, can happen simultaneously) the total lack of friends and a general withdrawal from society, the sudden interest in bodily functions, and as they grow older, an obsession with troglodtyes of the opposite sex.

Be warned, whatever you do, it will be wrong, if you take too much interest in what your troglodyte is doing, you will be accused of interfering, if you do not take enough interest, you will be accused of not caring. This is a no win situation, so don't even try.

The feeding of a troglodyte is fraught with difficulties, NEVER assume that just because your trog ate something yesterday and seemed to like it, the same will apply next week. Troglodytes need junk food to survive, McDonalds or Burger King are acceptable as are pizzas. Never tell a trog what to eat, this is construed as interfering and will guarantee that your trog will avoid any healthy foods for the next 3 weeks at least. Once again you will be faced with a no win situation and will have to rely on guile and sneakiness to make sure your troglodyte eats the occasional healthy meal.

Family gatherings will become a nightmare, your trog will object strenuously at having to go and visit relatives. The only way around this is bribary.

Your troglodyte will either develop an obsession with bathing or go the opposite way and completely neglect it's personal hygiene. Walking around with a peg on your nose will not work, troglodytes are incapable of appreciating subtlety. The only way to get a troglodyte to bathe is to lick a tissue or hankie and wipe it's face. This will immediately make a troglodyte run to the shower.

Music will become a battle of wills, what you consider brain numbingly loud will be a mere whisper to a trog, I have found no solution to this problem other than investing in a good pair of earmuffs.

Never, ever, critisise their choice of friends, this will only make them seek out more extreme versions.

Troglodytes will never ask for help with personal problems, however, they will, in their way, show gratitude for you being there, this will manifest itself in odd ways, from a simple mumbled 'thank you' to making an effort to be nice to you for a few days and in some extreme cases, by tidying their bedrooms. Accept these small gestures with grace but do not make a fuss as this will embarrass them.

There are many other pitfalls to the care and maintenance of Troglodytes, but rest assured, they do emerge from the other side of this long and arduous journey and there is a reward of sorts for your care and patience, you can spend the rest of your life reminding your newly emerged troglodyte of the hell they put you through and they will be able to refuse you nothing, as they will need your wisdom and experience when their own troglodytes make their presence felt.