Entertaining and Understanding your Trog

As a long time Troglodyte researcher, this is perhaps one of the hardest areas of my ongoing effort to understand trog society. That troglodytes need to be entertained is without question, however, trying to find what holds a trogs attention is near impossible to pin down. As they first enter troghood you will find that they are content to play with the same toys as pre-trogs and will continue this practice for at least a year, sometimes as long as two and in very extreme cases this can last for three years.

Eventually however, they will grow away from the toys of their pre-trog years and these will then either be discarded (usually under the bed) or passed down to younger trogs. The main problem with this growing away is the void left behind.

This is where the problems really start, for as a trog grows older, its attention span grows shorter and this can lead to major problems. The mid teen trog is a creature of impulse, but at the same time must feel as if it belongs to the wider community of trogs. This can lead to the first true dilemma that a trog must face: How to fit in and yet be an individual.

As you study trogs, you will notice that they all look more or less the same within their own tribes. The dress codes of the various tribes is surprisingly rigid and once accepted into a tribe, it is incredibly rare for a trog to switch allegiance. The tribe is where trogs seek their entertainment.

The most extreme tribe I have found so far is the 'Goth'. The Goth tribe of troglodytes are fascinating to observe, they tend to be highly intelligent (by trog standards) and seem to take great delight in shock value, this, I am coming to believe is how they keep themselves amused. As with all tribes, they congregate in groups and because of their outlandish dress tend to be seen as dangerous. I can, however, report that this is in fact a myth, Goth trogs may look violent but although they will defend their tribe if threatened, prefer to be left alone to listen to their music and swap make up tips (uniquely amongst trogs, both male and female engage in this activity). Their preferred entertainment seems to be anything black, preferably with either skulls or demons on it. If you own a Goth trog, the best way to entertain it is to buy it a copy of 'The Exorcist, Directors cut' which they find highly amusing and will derive hours of pleasure from watching.

Another tribe of note is the 'surfer'. These are native to the North American Continent only. These trogs tend to be attractive, self assured and almost totally brainless. They are unique in several ways. Their language has evolved into something that even a dedicated researcher like myself cannot hope to understand, although with time I hope this will change. Surfer trogs have a strict hierarchy and they tolerate no deviation in dress code or behaviour. The alpha male of the tribe is always, and there are absolutely no exceptions to this rule, the most handsome of the tribe, and is paired with the prettiest female. They rule with a rod of iron and the rest of the tribe defer to their every whim. There is one advantage to owning a surfer trog, entertaining them is simplicity itself, the only thing a surfer trog wants is a surfboard and money, if you can provide one or the other you will have successfully tamed your trog.

In Great Britain, there is a tribe of trogs that I consider extremely dangerous and would advise extreme caution when approaching them. These are the 'chav' trogs. This tribe is immediately identifiable by it's loud and tasteless jewellery and by the fact they begin breeding at a very young age, it is not unusual to see the females of the tribe accompanied by several offspring. Chavs are dangerous because they have no code of honour, whereas most other trog tribe will leave each other alone, chavs will seek out trouble and even instigate it. Having said this, chavs are extremely loyal to their own and to my astonishment, will count parents as part of the tribe. Entertaining a chav is fraught with difficulty and I suggest that you take a social worker with you if you wish to attempt communicate with one.

As for entertaining a trog, whichever tribe it comes from, I have found two things that seem to apply across the board: Gaming consoles and mobile phones, all trogs, no matter what tribe they come from will be more than pleased to receive either. A trog without a mobile phone is seen as a threat by other trogs, so if you want your trog to fit into its chosen tribe, make sure it is fully equipped to do so. For a small initial outlay, you can be assured that no only will your trog be entertained for hours, it will also be accepted into the wider trog world.

Learning Troglish

Trog language is at once simple and complicated, it consists mainly of grunts, however, I have discovered the 'troglish' is actually a varied and rich language.

The main difficulty is learning the different meanings of grunts, at first, they all sound the same but as your ear becomes attuned to it, you will hear subtle variations. There is no dictionary for 'troglish', mainly because there is only one way to spell 'grunt'. Do not be discouraged when you first start learning 'troglish', you are going to make mistakes, like learning any other language, you have to be patient.

Unfortunately, because to a certain extent 'troglish' is a tonal language, I can only give you a limited understanding of its more obvious meanings the rest, I'm afraid, is up to you.

The grunt is the standard sound in troglish, it can mean various things depending on the volume, the length of the grunt and whether it is added to any other speech.

A grunt on its own (as far as I can tell) means variously:

Feed me
Where are my clothes
God, you don't understand what I'm going through, leave me alone

A grunt followed by a slight whine usually means:

Feed me
Where are my clothes
Will you (expletive deleted) leave me the hell alone, I'm angst ridden and you are a dinosaur.

Note: This last is usually only used by troglodytes between the ages of 14 - 18 although there are exceptions.

A grunt with a slight coughing noise has a few different meanings and must be taken in context. The more common meanings are:

Feed me
Where are my clothes
I have decided that you are an anachronism and therefore irrelevant to my world view
Where are my favourite console games
Don't look at me
Nobody understands me

You will have noticed by now that all grunts first and foremost mean 'feed me', I have come to believe that the troglish language grew out of the desire to eat and talk at the same time, however, until I can prove this theory, I will keep an open mind, if any other owners of trogs have other theories I would be grateful it they would share them with me.

These are just a few of the more common meanings you will find in troglish. During my years of research I have discovered one amazing fact. Each troglodyte speaks its own version of troglish, if you listen carefully to a pair of troglodytes communicating (and I advise extreme caution when attempting this) you will notice that although initially they seem to be speaking the same language, there are in fact differences, some minor, some not. This evolution of the troglish language is facinating, but as yet I have no explaination for it. The minor differences are often overlooked, BUT, and this is very important when dealing with troglodytes, the major ones have been known to cause hostilities to break out between troglodytes who previously tolerated each other.

The only advice I have if this happens it to try and get to minimum safe distance. In my early years as a troglodyte researcher, I made the attempt to broker a peace between rival factions of troglodytes and still bear the scars. DO NOT repeat DO NOT attempt to understand what caused the conflict to flare up, this is a tribal thing and a matter of pride. I have found that these outbreaks are usually because of a miscommunication, however, to a troglodyte, it is a matter of life and death and will not be persuaded otherwise. The only thing to be done in cases such as these are to wait for your troglodyte to return to its bedroom and then feed it comfort food, pizza is usually a favourite.

I hope that this short discourse helps you to understand your troglodyte a little better. If you have any questions or views I would be pleased to hear them and obviously when I publish my paper on troglodyes you will be fully acknowledged.