Monday, January 02, 2006

Trog Hobbies

One thing you will come to expect from your trog is an endless succession of hobbies. Trogs have very short attention spans and because of this the various hobbies they experiment with will vary wildly.

Your trog will, in the space of a month, go from playing chess to dicing with death on a skateboard, from building little forts in the garden to rollerblading down hills that would make a mountain goat pause.

Depending on what tribe your trog belongs to will to a certain extent determine its choice of hobby, but even within the tribes there is a huge variety to choose from.

Your trog will demand all the equipment needed to pursue its chosen hobby and will level accusations of meanness and cowardice at you if you do not provide what it needs. If you decide that the hobby your trog has chosen is reasonable, i.e. will not result in the whole neighbourhood being thrown into anarchy, it would serve you well to do a little research. Find out from other trog owners what the consequences of the hobby are, what safety equipment is needed and how long you will be tied up in the accident and emergency room at the hospital.

Once you are satisfied that your trog will not break any local laws or blow up the world, the next step is to make a show of reluctantly giving in to your trogs demands, this is vital as if you accede to quickly it will make your trog suspicious and it will discard its hobby immediately and try and find a more extreme one.

Once your trog has been convinced that you have given in to its demands, you can then start to lay the groundwork for rules. Your trog will not like this but there is a little trick I find works admirably. Start by making such outrageous rules that even a saint would be hard pushed to keep to them, then gradually discard them for the more sensible ones, you trog will be so grateful at not having to wear a bright purple woolly hat it will not notice that the rules left in place are for its own good.

Buying the equipment is the next hurdle, your trog will not want you to go out and actually buy it the equipment it needs but will expect you to hand over large amounts of money so it can do this itself. This decision is entirely up to the individual trog owner and also depends on the trogs chosen hobby. A good compromise is to agree for the trog to buy the essential items and for you to buy the safety equipment needed. Whilst you are shopping for these it is also a good idea to make a great fuss of buying first aid items, make sure your trog is with you when you buy plasters, bandages, slings and crutches. Do this with great melodrama and fuss and if possible shedding a few tears. This is a good way of impressing on your trog the need for safety.

Once everything is purchased, gloated over, displayed to all its tribal peer, it is in the lap of the gods what your trog will do, it may actually pursue its chosen hobby or discard it for something else. If the latter happens, it is best to grit your teeth and say nothing. The more fuss you make, the more extreme and expensive the next hobby will be. Wait 6 months and if your trog shows no sign of becoming interested in using all the equipment you spent so much money on, gather it together and sell it on e-bay, this way you can at least recoup some of the money spent.

Your trog will eventually discard some of its more extreme hobbies but some will always a special place in its heart which is why occasionally you will see middle aged men and women doing something that is totally unsuitable like skateboarding, bragging how once they were the best in the town/country/world. This is usually followed by a trip to the hospital.